i dont get it.

i dont get it.

why do i have to feel this way all along?

i hate this.

 

gw ga suka. i cant change the way things are now. tapi gw juga msih susah untuk menyesuaikan diri dan menerima keadaan. gw tau ini tergantung gw sendiri, tapi harus sampai kapan?

tried reaaaaally hard not to be jealous or what, tapi susah.

i cant tell anyone krn psti pd akhirnya they’re going to say things that i already expected them to say. petuah and stuffs and bla bla bla. not that im not grateful for this circumstances, but really. are u serious? when people said “ure lucky to be there!” or when i said “my special abilities and ‘this’ is waaay too random and doesnt matched” they will say “lah, gw juga ko!” ato ga “si pak ini tadinya teknik apa tp skrg di bank!” PRET. dont u get it? ur place is waaay better than me. cant u see it? that from any angle i see, i cant see good things from it. not a single one.

 

they alwayd said that, and im getting tired with their words. i hate this.

 

 

percuma gw ngomong. gw akan diem aja.

100questions

lagi ga ada kerjaan.. TAPI BOONG! pdhal ada laporan yg harus dicicil..

ntar aja deh. aku copy dr blog kamu lho Dila, hehe. mkasih lho.

WHAT WAS YOUR:

1. Last beverage = air putih

2. Last phone call = Rafdy

3. Last text message = Weny

4. Last song you listened to = Defying Gravity – Chris Colfer (OST Glee)

5. Last time you cried = last week

6. Dated someone twice = nope

7. Been cheated on = alhamdulillah ngga. well, hampir sih.

8. Kissed someone & regretted it = hmm.. no.

9. Lost someone special = lost as in broke up or passed away? well, for the second one, yes i have.

10. Been depressed = yes.

11. Been drunk and threw up = GA!

FIRST THREE FAVORITE COLOURS:

12. blue 13. purple 14. black

THIS YEAR HAVE YOU: (2009-2010 awal)

15. Made a new friend = yes! 😀

16. Fallen out of love = yoaaaii

17. Laughed until you cried = seriing!

18. Met someone who changed you = hmm, yess.

19. Found out who your true friends were = oh yeahhh

20. Found out someone was talking about you = YES! (yeah, you!)

21. Kissed anyone on your friend’s list = yes, hihihi

22. How many people on your friends list do you know in real life = banyak laaah, mameen

23. How many kids do you want to have = tadinya pgn tiga, tp kata si calon-teman-hidup (amin) dua aja ckup 😀

24. Do you have any pets = pernah doang, tp udah ga

25. Do you want to change your name = NOPE!

26. What did you do for your last birthday = working. training, actually. huahah.

27. What time did you wake up today = 06.00

28. What were you doing at midnight last night = sleeping.

29. Name something you CANNOT wait for = dapet THR dan lulus MDP!!! ameeeeenn!!

30. Last time you saw your Mother = 8 days ago

31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life? = nothing. bnyak yg gw sesali, tp ga akan gw ubah deh

32. What are you listening to right now = Entreolhares – John Legend feat. Ana Carolina

33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom = Tom? Tompel sih pernah, haha

34. What’s getting on your nerves right now = laporan OJT dan nilai utul

35. Most visited webpage = twitter, yeaaaah!

36. Whats your real name = Fitria Siti Sabrina Najib

37. Nicknames = saby/sheby/seboy/sabring/sabeh/sebong/sabricuy/wasabi/sabrinyung/etc.

38. Relationship Status = sedang ber”LANJUT, GAN!” with Rafdy.

39. Zodiac sign = Pisces

40. Male or female? = female

41. Elementary? = SDN Merdeka 5 Bandung (keabisan ide pertanyaan yaa..)

43. High School/College = SMAN 2 Bandung/SBM-ITB

44. Hair colour = black

45. Long or short = medium (rambut baru neeeh guee..oke benjetss deh!)

46. Height = 171cm

47. Do you have a crush on someone? = skedar crush kan? adaa, hehe

48. What do you like about yourself? = kalem and neutral

49. Piercings = anting di telinga doang paling

50. Tattoos = ga deh aaah

51. Righty or lefty = righty

FIRSTS :

52. First surgery = belom pernah

53. First piercing = ear

54. First best friend = risma, tmen smp-smpe skarang

55. First sport you joined = swimming

56. First vacation = heh? disneyland and san fransisco kli ya, back in the US

58. First pair of trainers = mksudnya apa ni? pelatih? apa clana training?

RIGHT NOW

59. Eating = baru saja sleses makan malem

60. Drinking = nope

61. I’m about to = nyicil laporan ojt, tp kayaknya bsok aja

62. Listening to = Fire Bomb – Rihanna

63. Waiting for = balesan bbm dari Rafdy

YOUR FUTURE :

64. Want kids = PASTEEEEEEE

65. Get Married = mauuuuu 🙂

66. Career = yes yes yes!

WHICH IS BETTER :

67. Lips or eyes? = eyes

68. Hugs or kisses? = dua2nya! (maruk)

69. Shorter or taller? = taller

70. Older or Younger? = older sih, tp same age juga asciik, hihi

71. Romantic or spontaneous ? = spontaneous

72. Nice stomach or nice arms? = dua2nya! ayooo rafdyyy get them both!!

73. Sensitive or loud ? = sensitive

74. Hook-up or relationship? = relationship

75. Trouble maker or hesitant? = hesitant

HAVE YOU EVER :

76. Kissed a stranger? = GA LAH, kayak ga ada yg lain aja

77. Drank hard liquor? = no!

78. Lost glasses/contacts? = ngga pernah, patah ato keinjek sih pernah -____-

79. Sex on first date? = NO

80. Broken someone’s heart? = hmm pernah, i guess. my bad, so sorry..

81. Had your own heart broken? = ya iyalaaaah, mnurut L?!

82. Been arrested? = ga lah

83. Turned someone down? = pernah 😦

84. Cried when someone died? = yes

85. Lied to your best friend? = pernah, huhuh

DO YOU BELIEVE IN

86. Yourself? = alhamdulilah, iya

87. Miracles? = YEP!

88. Love at first sight? = hmm, no.

89. Heaven? = heaven yeaah

90. Santa Claus? = nope.

91. Kiss on the first date?= ntah deh, belom pernah soalnya. ga aja deh, geje kyknya

92. Angels? = yes 🙂

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:

94. Had more than 1 girlfriend/boyfriend at a time? = noooo, hahahhaa

95. Did you sing today? = hmm, no i haven’t

96. Ever cheated on somebody? = nope

97. If you could go back in time, how far would you go? = ke jaman kuliah, dr taun pertama lagi

98. If you could pick a day from last year and relive it, what would it be? = 23 oct 2009

99. Are you afraid of falling in love? = no.

100. Posting this as 100 truths? = yes! mantap, gan. heheh

okay, thats it! tidur apa ya skarang..

3rd.

so, i was just going to update a bit, so feel free to read. haha. in case something happened to me and i lost my memory, now i can read it here. heheheh.

22 juni 2010 kmaren menandai 3 taunannya gw dan si crocho pacaran. seneng 🙂 and its simple as that. tapi sayang skali ga bisa ktemu pas hari H, krn sama2 kerja smpe sore dan malem lgsg plng. but thats totally okay, hehe. pas 3 taunan itu gw jg lg OJT d cabang hayam wuruk. hari pertama OJT, yg ada malah nyesuaiin diri dg keadaan dan pas lg ga ada kerjaan mlh ngelamun.

ngelamunin apaan? ngelamunin kejadian2 jaman dahulu kala sm crocho. betapa bodohnya saling suka slama 1 tahun and did nothing at all to get closer, trus jadian geje, sampe berantem2 heboh slama masa kuliah.

gw jg nyadar, kadang gw ga tahan sm kelakukan dia. tp gw yakin dia jg bberapa kali ngerasa gitu. dan dia ga pernah pergi dr sini. dan hal yg sama pun gw lakukan skarang, dan sterusnya.

krn kita sama2 tau, perjuangan kita untuk nyampe sini ga gampang dan sama skali ga mudah. dan betapa yg namanya kompromi itu super penting. komunikasi aja ga cukup mnurut gw, jd harus kompromi dimana kita sama2 mengkomunikasikan masing2 maunya apa dan mencari solusi terbaik agar kdua belah pihak merasa diuntungkan.

dan alhamdulilah, we are still compromising until now 🙂

i heart u, crocho. hehe. thank you for sticking around. keep doing it!

as i always said, “LANJUT, GAN?” and i know u will answer “LANJUTT!”

my recyclers.

jadi. hari ini gw sdng merasa sngat terpuruk. khususnya td siang. cuma gara2 pembagian nilai. lbih tepatnya pngumuman. dan nilai gw jeblok. JEBLOK BLOK BLOK. dan gw super kaget. sampe2 pngen nangis di tmpat.

lho ko pgn nangis? abisan kecewa sm diri sndiri, bisa2nya dpt nilai sgitu. ih astagaa ga bgt deh. brasa pgn nyungsep dan menghilang seketika!

krn pd dasarnya gw orgnya sotoy dan kepedean, gw brpikir “ah ini psti org LD (learning and development) yg salah meriksa hsil tes gue! psti gue salahnya dikit! psti nilai gw gede!” PD jaya deh pkonya. sotoy tiada tara.

pas di-cross check ke LD, eeeh.. bener aja nilai gw sgitu. kamfret to the max.

lalu kembalilah lagi itu, prasaan kecewa sm diri sendiri dan merasa buodoooooohh skaliii.

gw plng ga suka kl lg ngerasa kyk gitu. mgkn krn gw introvert dan sngat feeling, jdnya klo ada apa2 lgsg kena ke hati dan prasaan, otak urusan blakangan. sumpah, gw langsung brasa pgn nangis. mana nilai tuh bkn skedar nilai skarang. itu menentukan juga gaji gue, mameeeenn! gw pgn naik gajiii!!

saat2 kyk gtu dimana gw lg ga prcaya sm diri gw sndiri dan merasa super stupid, biasanya gw nyari orang yg bisa gw jadiin tong sampah daur ulang, dimana fungsi orang ini adalah menjadi recycler.

re-cycle!

jadi pertama dia jadi tong sampah, nerima marah2 dan kesel2 dan keluh kesah gw, dan kmudian mendaur ulang smua hal negatif tsb untuk kemudian dia hasilkan ssuatu yg positif sbg feedback u/ gw.

ada yg prnah blng sm gw “jangan ngomong sm orang yg gmpang panas saat kamu sdng panas. cari yg dngin”.

oke, brhubung ga ada kulkas ya gw langsung ke calon recycler pertama gw: pacar.

aaah sperti biasa si pacar ga ngeh klo gw lagi demek dan terpuruk segabruk-gabruknya. dia ngehnya gw lagi gejala pms buatan aja. krn ga tahan akhirnya gw cerita secara eksplisit aja sama dia tntang smua yg sdang gw rasain dan yg terjadi skarang.

gw cerita sm dia lewat bbm, which is ga trlalu kondusif tapi lumayan sngat oke u/ komunikasi. well dibanding sms sih. mana ini kondisinya gw butuh feedback scepatnya. dan stelah berkeluh kesah dan mengeluarkan smua hal2 negatif di otak gw, komen2 dia sperti:

“gapapa jatuh skali2, masa kamu mau di atas terus?”

kemudian:

“yang penting kamu udah usaha, kan hasilnya dari Allah”

dan lalu:

“usap2 hati kamu sambil bilang ke diri kamu sendiri ‘semua akan baik2 saja'”

bahkan recycler kdua gw, si sahabat, juga mengatakan hal yang serupa.

“kalem aja, sab. coba lo cek dulu nilai lo. kalopun bener nilai lo emang segitu, terima dulu aja. sabar ya. u can do better next time, krn lo yg paling tau kapasitas diri lo sndiri”

OH WOW.

ini pacar dan sahabat gw udah jadi saingan mario teguh apa gmna ni? hahahaha. but seriously, saran si pacar dan kata2 si sahabat yg trakhir itu manjur lho. ngomong ke diri sendiri tu manjur bgt, dan gw jg jadi inget kata2 pa yanto pas AMT di bdg tntang self-suggestion. about how the universe will response to ur wants and desire once u said it loudly to urself.

dan gw lgsg brasa plong. gw ga pngen nyungsep lagi, dan gw ga pngen nangis lagi. hehehehe. dan gw lgsg merasa mendapat pencerahan, dimana dari segituuuu panjangnya bbm-an gw dan si pacar dimana isinya kebanyakan gw yg berkeluh kesah, 1 kalimat jadi kesimpulan untuk hari ini:

“rejeki dateng dari Allah, bukan dari nilai. nilai atau apapun itu cuma alat dan instrumen yang tidak mewakili diri kamu secara keseluruhan. yang penting: USAHA”

dan yg paling pnting, gw tau dan sadar salah gw dimana.

jadi ga akan gw ulangi lagi.

dedicated to you, crocho! 🙂

thank you so much, rafdy and yoshi. your words did woke me up. mgkn slama ini gw jg takabur tnpa sadar :p

light! light! light!

oh, on a lighter note, dia udah dpt penempatan. dan ditempatin di JAKARTA.

thank You, God! alhamdulilah! makasih udah mengabulkan doa gw. hehehhee alhamdulillah..

well kalopun dia ditempatin di luar jkt dan jauh, sbnernya gw jg udah pasrah sih. he felt the same way too. pasrah sepasrah-pasrahnya.

at the beginning, we’re too busy in preparing ourselves in case we had to do the LDR thing. i never heard any good news or stories about couple doing LDR. well, bbrapa sih pernah. tapi ya jarang.

dan bukannya gw pesimis klo gw dan dia LDR dan kita bkalan ga lanjut dan kalah sm yg namanya JARAK. gw optimis ko bisa ngelakuin hubungan jarak jauh dgn dia. insya allah.

tapi ya, berhubung ga jadi LDR dan dia dpt pnempatan di jkt, gw mkin merasa betapa hidup gw disayangin bgt sm Allah. gw baru lulus sidang fase 1 kmren *wlopun nilainya kurang memuaskan*, dan dia dapet penempatan di jkt. once again, thank You so much, dear God. i love u full! yaa walopun ntar ada saatnya dia keliling indonesia u/ tugas auditnya, tp gapapa deh. at least itu ga permanen dan ga lama.

gw akan terus blajar untuk ga lupa bersyukur, sekecil apapun nikmat yg gw dapet. amen.

feel the rhythm of the drum!

“feel the rhythm of the drum!’ Gammy said. who’s Gammy, anyway? itu lho, Grandma Annie yg jd neneknya Ryan Reynolds di film The Proposal. she said that to Margaret which was played by Sandra Bullock. adegan dimana Margaret disuruh nyanyi dan joget2 di hutan, atau lebih tepatnya “chant to the woods”, dalam rangka ‘bersyukur’ krn bsoknya dia mau nikah sm Andrew (Ryan Reynolds). for those who haven’t seen the movie, that scene was FREAKIN hilarious.

chant! chant to what? to the UNIVEEEERRSSEE!!!

okay. well, nothing special about the phrase, but to me it is soo.. catchy. and i can relate it to my life. which part?

any part. well, mksud gw sih bgian hidup gw yg skrg ini sbnernya. lagi berasa bgt. feel the rhythm of the drum. or more like, rasain atau resapi nada dr drum.

gw slalu merasa, hidup gw ini ada iramanya. kadang lg cepeeett bgt, kadang lagi lambaaatt bgt. mgkn beda kyk orang2 yg sering bertualang, dimana mgkn rasanya hidup dia iramanya lebih cepet krn sering traveling, ato melakukan hal-hal yg berbeda tiap saat, ato mgkn srng ngelakuin hal2 yg random dan ekstrim.

ada juga orang yg monoton, dimana irama hidupnya lambaaaatt bgt. mgkn krn monoton, gitu2 aja, ngelakuin rutinitas yg sama and do something new rarely.

gw? mgkn kombinasi dua2nya. kadang lambaaaatt, kadang cepeeett bgt. ga mgkn jg sih jd jenis yg pertama. no money maaann, pdahal siapa yg ga pngen seeehh, bertualang dan traveling kmana2? ngelakuin hal2 yg berbeda tiap hari. i would looove to try bungee jumping. hahahaha.

tp nmpaknya gw termasuk jenis yg campuran. hidup gw terasa lambat bgt saat gw SMA. ntah knp, rasanya lama dan gitu2 ajaaa. pas kuliah jg gitu, lamaaa bgt. sbnernya klo dipikir2 masa kuliah gw tu cpet bgt sih, secara cuma 3 taun. tapi itu ga ada apa2nya dibanding masa2 sidang dan wisuda. ato ga pas nyari2 kerja dan tiba2 udah dapet aja. skrg jg pas lg kerja gni, waktu cepeeeett bgt rasanya berlalu.

tiba2 gw udah 4 bln aja kerja di jkt. ga lg tinggal dirumah gw d bdg dan ga lagi serumah sm mama dan papa.

bukannya gw menyesali ritme hidup gw yg cepet berlalu ini.. i mean, rasanya baru kmaren gw msuk nisp dan ktemu temen2 baru dan kenalan sm yg namanya lingkungan kerja. well, masih training sih.. tp ya itu, rasanya cepeeeett bgt. agak2 kaget sbnernya, krn kadang di malam hari pas gw lg mau tidur dan mata gw menerawang ke langit2 kamar kosan gw yg murah dan ga terlalu gede ini, gw suka berpikir, “apakah gw sudah mengikuti dan meresapi hidup gw skrg ini?”

jawabannya? belum sepenuhnya. 4 bulan masih kurang untuk terbiasa kerja mnrut gw. i mean, gw udh lumayan terbiasa, bngun pagi, msuk kantor jam 7-8 dan pulang kantor jam 5 sore. malemnya makan, mandi, trus tidur. gituuuu aja trus. kadang gw suka ga pnya wktu untuk diri gw sndiri, as in menyendiri dan mikir ngalor ngidul, dmna itu biasanya gw lakukan pas gw msh di bdg.

jadi, mnurut gw, skrg ini apa yg harus gw lakukan adalah lebih meresapi ritme hidup gw skrg, tapi gw GA BOLEH trlalu kebawa. gw ga mau jd orang2 yg stuck dan merasa hidupnya udah mandek. gw ga mau kyk gitu. msih bnyak yg pgn gw lakuin, dan mimpi2 gw blm tercapai smua. hehehe. well, im a human, right? it is soo human to selfish and have a lot of desires. gw ga mau seumur hidup jadi pekerja. pegawai. corporate slaves. kroco2. whatever u call it. hahaha. but i dont regret what i have now and what i do now.

its aaaaalll about how u see it, and how u do it.

for me, ini adalah masa2 dlm hidup gw dimana gw harus lebih dewasa dan ga cengeng. gw udah mandiri *nisp kalee* haha okay itu garing.. tp ya pada intinya, gw harus lebih meresapi hidup gw yg skrg dan ngejalanin smuanya tnpa penyesalan. oh my, itu hal yg paling ga mau gw lakukan. my life is too short to be filled with regrets. but rugrats could be cute. hahahaha yeah i know, ga nyambung. and again, gariiing

pardon me.

buat yg baca blog gw, maafkan kalo postingan trakhir td pnjang bgt dan isinya kata2 doang. my intention is to make this blog as my diary, jd ya no picture dan hias2 deh. kcuali klo gw lg niat, haha.

cheers!